Words I wish I wrote

THE MOST VITAL THING IN LIFE

When you feel like saying something

that you know you will regret,

or keenly feel an insult

not quite easy to forget,

that's the time to curb resentment

and maintain a mental peace,

for when your mind is tranquil

all your ill-thoughts simply cease.

It is easy to be angry

when defrauded or defied,

to be peeved and disappointed

if your wishes are denied;

but to win a worthwhile battle

over selfishness and spite,

you must learn to keep strict silence 

though you know you're on the right.

So keep your mental balance

when confronted by a foe,

be it enemy in ambush,

or some danger that you know.

If you are poised and tranquil

when all around is strife,

be assured that you have mastered

the most vital thing in life.

GRENVILLE KLEISER

A tranquil heart is life to the body,

but passion is rottenness to the bones.

Proverbs 14:30

     I rolled over in bed and felt the pain; everywhere. From my shoulders to my feet, there was pain. I wondered how I would go thru the day like that; how would I manage to care for the little guys if I could hardly move. Somehow it didn't seem fair. Tears begun to flow from my eyes, rolling down and hitting my pillow, making the peculiar pit-pat noise of rain.

     It was still dark outside; everything was quiet, except my mind, except my heart.

     I have prayed for healing so many times; others have prayed over me too; why then should I still suffer? for what purpose? My heart turned to God and I spoke to Him as I would to anyone else; I was angry. I know He can heal me; the only question left is does He wants to.

     I got out of bed and went to the living room; thoughts begun to flood my head; questions, concerns, doubt, confusion; I was so overwhelmed by the time I turned to the place I always turn to when the path gets tough: the Bible.

     I stumbled upon a verse on proverbs: a tranquil heart is life to the body, but passion is rottenness to the bones.

     A brutally honest look at my life would render the verdict that I am seldom at peace; even when the outside looks it, the inside is at war. The mind never stops moving. It travels back and forth thru the passages of time, worrying about a future that does not belong to me, regretting a past that is long gone, therefore non-existent, as there is nothing anyone can do to change it, not even God himself.

     A tranquil heart is life to the body.

     My mind begun to wonder if by any chance all this bodily pain could be a direct result of the turmoil inside; if my mind was at war, wouldn't it just make perfect sense that my body was showing the signs of the wounds inflicted by the enemy? The remedy sounded just too simple: a tranquil heart.

     I closed my eyes thinking to myself "ok heart, get quiet", but quickly realized that it was completely out of my hands; there is nothing I can really do to quiet my own heart, at least not just that easily; it has been years of training the mind and the heart to lean toward the dreadful, the what if's, the negative. I needed help from above to teach my heart to be at peace, to rest knowing that God is all powerful, big enough to take care of us, loving enough to work all things for good. 

     Peace. 

    I wondered what that looked like, felt like. I have no real recollection of what that really means or feels or looks like. As far back as I have memory, all I remember is turmoil. Yelling. Slamming of doors. Hurting words. A dreadful feeling in the air; an unsettling environment around the family meals, never knowing what would trigger the next attack or where I could run for cover; or even if I would be able to run for cover at all; I could be the next escape goat and endure not only the verbal attack but also the physical attack.

     There I was again, stuck in the past. See, it comes so easily.

     Somewhere in the midst of my tears I remember The Prince of Peace and  His invitation to "come to me all who are weary and heavy-ladden, and I will give you rest". With a broken heart and a wounded spirit I knelt before Him and waited until the strength to go on filled me once again. If you ever heard the words "My Grace is enough" wishpered to your heart  in the quietness of the early morning, then you know how thankful one can be for the amazing gift of Grace.

     And for the first time in a long time, my heart was truly at rest. Despite the pain.